Sunday, January 22, 2012

Is it too much to ask?

Here I am at the end of another saturday night. I went to a movie with some friends, laughed a ton, completely enjoyed myself and came home smiling. By most standards that would account for an exceptional evening right? Then why am I sitting here blogging with a bunch of questions and complaints running through my head.
Now to up the stakes here, I was the only female in the bunch with 3 other single guys(all eligible and attractive). Most women's dream night, because that means you are the center of attention, you get to regulate all the flirting, but that is not the case for me. And I am in no way trying to brag when I say that this arrangement (me hanging with a group of guys) is not uncommon. Its who I am. For whatever reason, I am pretty good at being the guys' best friend. Not to be confused with the Dog, who is Man's best friend. Though, I would not necessarily view that as a bad thing, in the right context. On with the point of the blog post...
Maybe its my sometimes dirty humor, maybe its my go-with-the-flow personality, or maybe its that I am not a drop dead gorgeous woman who makes guys uncomfortable. But for whatever reason, I find that I can establish great relationships with guys... as friends. Anything past that and I am completely lost.
I was recently told by a guy I had spent a year (that's a freakin marathon for me) getting to know, that he couldn't handle a long distance relationship so we had to end it. Most girls would cry and think, "What else could I have done to make it work?" or "Why doesn't he like me?" and all I can think is, "How can he not want something with me?" I may have a bit of an ego problem, but I will have to analyze that later. As much as I would have liked for it to work out with him, it still comes around to the fact that I can't find a man who likes me enough to be more than my friend. I KNOW I am not perfect, I am completely flawed, but I know I have some amazing qualities and I haven't found the right guy to share them with.
Is it too much to ask for a man who wants to take me out and treat me like a lady? Not tell a dirty or off color joke with the knowledge that there is a 90%, okay, 95% chance that I will laugh.
I don't think it is. But sadly, the men that are attracted to me are usually too shy to say anything, and my loud, boisterous personality may scare them away. And almost 100% of the time I interpret their shyness as not being interested.
There is this grown up woman inside of me that wants to come out, but I keep finding guys that are either too quiet to do anything, or they match my personality and we get along great, but there is not enough there to pursue any type of serious relationship. I guess that is the point of dating: date, move on, date, move on... until you find that person... Duh, Hannah.
Now some of you might be thinking, "Well Hannah, maybe if you didn't put yourself out there so much." Thats like telling... Barney Stinson to not be awesome. (See I told you, a little obsessed with the show.) or for those who don't know the reference, telling birds not to fly or fish not to swim. Its who they are and they can't change that.
I refuse to believe that I have to change who I am to get someone to love me. Not that I am excluding the constant changes we all must make in life to better ourselves. I whole-heartedly believe in those changes, I am more-so meaning changing my personality to better fit the social standards in order to get a guy to think I am relationship-worthy.
Well anyway, I think I am done ranting now. I don't want to give the impression that my guy friends mean nothing or that I don't value their friendships, I do, immensely. I think that is the point of my blog tonight, its just I have reached a point in my life where the friendships just aren't enough anymore. *Sigh* I need some chocolate.

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