Thursday, August 25, 2016

The reality of True Love

Has it really been over a year since I last posted? It was one of the busiest years of my life, so you would think I would have a fountain of opinions and stories to share, and I do, but I just didn't make the time to do so. I have a good excuse though... I fell in love... (insert dreamy face, flowers, rainbows and I think unicorns go with this montage.)

For some quick catch up history, 2 and a half years ago I was bored with Utah and wanted something new. So I got a job and an apartment with some awesome roommates and was getting ready to move to Arizona. During that time, my coworkers here, convinced me to go out with one of our clients that I had expressed interest in (his facial hair was incredible, and he loved dogs = total package). The only reason I agreed was because I was moving out of the state, the commitment was minimal. Well, wouldn't you believe it, he was/is the perfect man for me. So, long story short, we dated, fell in love, got engaged, I bridezilla'd for a few months and we got married just a little over 2 months ago. 75 days to be exact (well, sorta, don't fact check me on that, I estimated). Jon is the love of my life, I couldn't have imagined a better man for me.

Now, to bring in some of the heavy stuff. Like I mentioned above, we dated for 2 years, which may be a short time to some people, and for others feel like an eternity, but for me it was the perfect amount of time. We experienced a lot of relationship issues both good/bad and grew together, that helped us prepare toward a marriage. But some things you can't prepare for, no matter how long you date, how much you talk about the future, or how much you plan. I'm talking about miscarriage.

I know what you are thinking, 'What the?! You just got married!" And I'm like, "I know, right?!"

But seriously. A couple weeks ago I had a miscarriage. Now if you do the math, I wasn't very far along. And that's been one of the hardest things to wrap my head around. People ask how far along you were as if the difference from 7 weeks to 37 weeks makes a difference in the feeling of loss. I get it, I didn't have a nursery set up, or clothes bought, or an empty car seat, by any means. But it was still a loss. A loss of a what-might-have-been, a hope, and future that I wasn't expecting and actually was looking forward to having, despite what I had always told myself.

Jon is 40 years old and I am 30 years old, and we are not getting any younger (which is the weirdest saying, because its not like people actually ever get younger, but oh well I'm not deleting it.) I have also been dealing with PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome) for about the last 5-6 years. So our odds for having children are a lot slimmer than the youngin's gettin' busy for a family at age 20. Honestly, I didn't think I would even be able to get pregnant. My doctor counseled me about how most women with PCOS struggle with infertility for years, some never being able to conceive. Many people told me to "try for a year and then pursue other options after that." That statement kind of became my mantra in preparing for our future and family.

So you can imagine my surprise/disbelief/excitement/terror/ineptness/kind-of-okay-with-the-idea/etc. feelings that I felt when it was confirmed that I was in fact pregnant. Now I know it sounds crazy and for women who have been pregnant, maybe you can relate, but I somehow knew I was pregnant before I "knew". It was just this feeling. I actually took a pregnancy test when I first felt this way, but I kept telling myself I was crazy, there was no way I could be pregnant. And sure enough it was negative, but I had also only been married 4 weeks so the chances of it showing up positive was small. About a week later, my jaw swelled up and was extremely painful. I couldn't eat or talk, it was miserable. By the 3rd day I decided to go to the doctor because I was also paranoid about tetanus since I had sliced my arm on a handsaw a few days before. I still had the feeling I was pregnant, so I took another pregnancy test in the morning before going to the doctor. Partly because if I was, I didn't want them to prescribe me anything that could be harmful, partly because I was so curious. After a couple minutes, the test still showed negative, so I tossed it in the trash. A few minutes after this, Jon made a joke about me possibly being pregnant to which I responded, "No way, I just took a pregnancy test and it said negative, wanna see?" I snagged the test out of the trash to prove it, except this time, there was a definite line. But those things aren't totally accurate, especially if you let them sit too long. So obviously, I still was in denial.

I made the trip to the doctor, explained my situation, so we did a blood test to confirm. The next day they called with results that I did not have tetanus, either a mild infection or just an inflammatory response, but the good news was that I was in fact pregnant. The events that followed were basically me crying, unable to understand what I was feeling (I felt all those feelings listed above at the same time), calling Jon, and most of all, trying to come to terms with the fact that I was never going to be able to sleep until noon of my own free will ever again.

In the few weeks that followed, I felt that I matured more than I have in the last 10 years of my adult life. All of the sudden, my priorities were in check. I decided to quit caffeine (thank goodness for caffeine free Dr. Pepper), I tried to eat healthier, drink more water, all my frivolous money spending didn't seem so important anymore. It was now my responsibility to take care of this little life. The weight of the responsibility was both daunting and humbling.

For most of my life, I have not been great with kids. I can play with them and have fun, but eventually they bore me or annoy me, or I bore or annoy them. I love my nieces and nephews, and my friends kids, but once they start acting up, they are someone else's responsibility. As I got older and never had any serious prospects, the idea of marriage was so foreign to me that I distanced myself further and further from the idea of even having kids. To the point that I told myself that I didn't want kids, I wouldn't be a good mom, I had dogs to fill that part of my life. I tend to follow the comedian Matt Bellassai's opinions on kids when he stated, 'Kids are just constantly sticky, you could hold a bare child against a wall and it will stay there; and its never for normal reasons.' Because really, kids can be gross and annoying and obstinate. So why am I so sad that I lost this opportunity to have one.

I understand the whole thing. I understand biology and hormones. Granted, its with dogs, but I deal with fertility every day of my life. When clients can't understand why their dog didn't get pregnant when everything was perfect, I always say, "We can do everything we can, but unfortunately, biology doesn't always work in our favor." I know that it isn't MY fault, but its hard to not run through more what-if's. I see the silver lining, I know its actually quite great that I was even able to get pregnant when odds were so stacked against. I have an incredible man at my side, some women deal with this all alone. Logically, the whole thing makes sense and I can understand it for what it is. But my goodness, the emotional aspect is depressing and sometimes almost debilitating.

The miscarriage itself was about a 4 day process of bleeding and cramps, not to mention, lots of crying. One night the pain was so bad I went to the ER. Jon was with me for all of it. God bless that man. I'll spare you the details of it all, but the pain, both physical and emotional, still linger.

Miscarriage is a tough subject for people to talk about. I'm still trying to process it all. Its hard for me not to wonder what I would be feeling now if I were still pregnant. The more women I talk to, I realize how common miscarriages happen. There's this sort of hush-hush mentality when it comes to miscarriage, like we just don't talk about it. And I kind of understand, its hard to talk about. I still cry sometimes when I talk about it, I've cried a few times while writing this, but its getting easier. I think what helped me most has actually been, talking and writing about it. I had a few family members reach out to me and offer their empathy. Family members that I had no idea they had even experienced a miscarriage. I reached out to some friends, again to find that some had also experienced it; others that hadn't, just listened. My whole perspective on miscarriage has changed. I always felt sad for women when I heard they had a miscarriage, but now my heart literally aches for them. Especially women that have had multiple miscarriages. My heart aches for the women that want children but are struggling or struggled with infertility. My heart aches for women and families that have lost a young child. This experience has made me a more compassionate person.

I am still going through the grieving process. Physically, I feel okay. Emotionally I am still healing. I have good days and I have bad days. I sometimes get overwhelmed with anger and I don't understand why I'm mad, so the closest target gets it. Some days its difficult to get out of bed and I hate everyone in the world. Most days I have to put on a fake face and survive the work day just to come home and be exhausted. I have 5 adorable puppies in my home and yet I want nothing to do with them. I don't want to care for them or play with them. This is not me. This is depression.

I am still a newlywed. I should be setting up house, writing wedding thank you notes, being so annoying with telling everyone how blissfully happy I am. Not struggling everyday, not forcing myself to get out of bed, not diverting conversations so I don't have to explain how I am "really feeling".  Truth be told, I am happy, I am just going through a tough thing. I have the most loving man to help me through this. Even on the darkest days he can make me laugh. That's what gets me through most days is knowing I have him to rely on. He makes everything better. True love exists my friends. Sometimes we just have to wait a little longer for it. I will heal, and I will try again. That's how life works. But I hope for those struggling with similar trials, you are able to find peace and know you have a listening heart with me.

This video explains empathy so well, my best friend shared this with me it taught me so much.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

My thoughts on the Easter bunny, God and being a good person

When I was in 5th or 6th grade, there was a girl in my class who still believed in the Easter bunny. She was so adamant in her belief, she even proclaimed to have seen the bunny with her very own eyes. It was the craziest thing I had ever heard up to that point in my life. I thought it was completely ridiculous! We were 10 or 11 years old at the time, she should have known by then that the Easter bunny wasn't real. I mean, come on, there was no such thing as a giant bunny going around leaving eggs or candy hidden for kids to seek out. What kind of parents allowed her to believe in a fictional holiday character still, at her age? Opening up the opportunity for her to be ridiculed and mocked by her peers.
Sadly, I was one of those peers. I specifically remember making it known to her just how stupid I thought it was that she believed in something that (according to my belief system) wasn't real. I was justified. I had made my superior, more knowledgeable experience known. I had to save her from her ridiculous belief.

I think about this situation a lot in my life. Especially around Easter, especially around holidays with fictional characters, and especially when I see her on the outskirts of Spacebook (we have mutual friends). I was a jerk. Who cares if she believed in the Easter bunny? It reflected more on who I was as a person for ridiculing her. I feel bad that I was so mean to her because she believed something different. Its a little crazy that it was such a blip in my history, but it has affected me so much. I have tried to turn that situation of being embarrassed by how I treated another human being into something I can live by as an adult, in appreciating and respecting peoples values and beliefs.

Now, I am not here to preach (okay, maybe a little, why else do people have blogs), and I am not here to open up a huge debate. If you disagree with what I am writing, then that's the fun thing about a blog, you can quit reading and go read something you want to read. Believe me, even if you want to debate or disagree, you wont convince me otherwise. Just ask my mother, she's struggled my entire life debating with me, from getting me to brush my hair or tying to convince me to like dolls, it just wont happen.

Here's why I decided to open up a little today. It's Easter. It also happens to be conference weekend for the LDS church, or also known as the Mormons. I don't feel like I need to go into a huge explanation about who we are or what we believe or why we get together twice a year to listen to our leaders. That is all available at

I'm writing because I came across an article on the great land of Spacebook that discussed some members dissenting during the first session of conference yesterday, while the leaders of the church were sustained. They didn't want to sustain our leaders and made it known by shouting out when asked if they opposed. Again, I'm not here to debate the specifics of that either. What really struck me the MOST was the comments from the peanut gallery of people on Spacebook who happened across the article and wanted to share their opinion (which they are welcome to, its a public forum). It was the harsh, aggressive, hateful way they went about it. I get it, haters gonna hate, but it doesn't stop me from feeling sad about how they chose to go about it.

Now before I preach on, I have to make sure you have all the facts. I am LDS. I was raised LDS. I have been endowed and been through the temple. But I am a ways off from being a "model Mormon citizen". I don't go to church every Sunday. I have bouts of inactivity and wont go to church for months at a time. I cuss and tell dirty jokes sometimes. I didn't even watch the first session of conference I referenced earlier because I was on a bike ride, so it was only through that article that I even knew about the people shouting their "Nay" vote. I have many other shortcomings or sins, but this is not a public confessional, so mind your own damn business.

On a more serious note though, I believe in God and I believe in Jesus Christ. I know them. Too many things have happened in my life to know otherwise. For me, life is too intricate, too coincidental, too complicated, too detailed, to think that any other possibility of them not existing is available. And the God and Savior I know, love me in spite of my shortcomings and sins. They love me always.

I get that other people believe differently than I do. I get that people don't believe in God. I get that people think Mormons are crazy and follow antiquated and oppressive rules. But just because you don't believe in that, does it really give you the right to say awful things?
Now I am not forgetting that in this same turn, I know some Mormons that can be pretty awful and unaccepting. I once went to a bishop for some spiritual council, and he proceeded to tell me that if I joined a gym, I would feel better about myself and date more. Keep in mind, never once had I asked him anything about feeling better about myself, dating, or whether or not I should join a gym. I know what its like to be highly offended by one of God's anointed. But that was his shortcoming, not God's. I have also had another bishop cry with me in a time of deep heart ache when all I needed was someone to care and understand.

I've met some very judgmental Mormons. I've also met some very judgmental Catholics, agnostics, atheists, gym-rats, foodies, superhero fanatics, dancers, book nerds, animals lovers, sports nuts, beer aficionados, hunters, etc. You get the idea. We're all so different. We are always going to differ in opinion somewhere. Why lash out and say hurtful things, just because someone believes something differently than you? Why judge and hold yourself on a higher pedestal because someone doesn't believe what you believe? If someone doesn't believe in your "Easter bunny", it doesn't mean it isn't real to you.

We are all here to experience life, it would be terribly boring if we all believed in the same thing. I honestly think that the only thing any one really wants in life is to feel happiness. Maybe that's through religion, maybe its through hiking (um, not me), maybe its through sharing pictures of cats on the internet, maybe its through falling in love with someone that is your same gender, maybe its through believing that families can be forever even after we die, maybe its through watching all seasons of LOST over and over again until you can solve all the mysteries of that stupid show, I don't know. But I do know that we can find happiness through love, acceptance, kindness and civility to our fellow human beings, despite our differences.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

New Short Story

Hello All,

I have posted a new short story over on my writer's blog, if you would like to check it out, click here Its called 2 Lives, Same Heart. (dumb title, I know, but I couldn't think of anything better, the original one was A Woman's Choice. It felt too Hallmarky.) Its a story that I actually had a dream about, except in my dream the woman, who I named Carolyn, initially did all the sleuthing and killing, then went home to her family and went to church. Dreams are messed up, especially mine. Anyway, I kind of liked the idea though of a woman having to make a choice. Saving a young boy that reminded her of her own and risk her whole career? Or leave him to die a horrible death because it was just part of the job? You'll have to see what happens when you read the story. Please let me know what you thought about it. Like I said, it is totally different than anything else I have written, it lacks humor and dogs (I know, so boring), but I am trying to branch out and try a few different writing styles. Let me know what you think, good or bad, I'll take either, even if the latter makes me cry. ;)

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Shared Short Stories - An Almost Alliteration

Hello every-no-one! I wrote a short story a few years ago and I shared it here... It's about dogs (surprise, surprise) So you could check it out if you want and then follow that blog as well. I hope your Tuesday is phenomenal! (Or whatever day of the week it is that you happen to read this.)

Friday, December 27, 2013

What the hell is wrong with people?

    I am most likely going to regret posting this in the morning, but I think the massive amounts of cough and cold medicine raging through my system are impairing my judgement and I have something to say, even if it doesn't make sense. It starts with a question, what the hell is wrong with people? I mean, really. People suck. And yes, I am generalizing, well except for when it comes to teenagers, all teenagers are horrible, (sorry Kams - my 16 year old niece, I'll love you again in a few years ) But I digress and I am not even a paragraph in...  My real rhetorical question is, why is it that the large majority of us turn to anger, fear, and judgement before love, acceptance, and understanding? (She asks angrily). 
     Especially the last few weeks, shockingly enough, seeing as how this was supposed to be the season of love and giving, I have seen more hateful, angry, or just plain mean comments on facebook, twitter, the news, or just heard in everyday conversations with my family, friends, coworkers, or random people. I have tried to justify it away as people having bad days, or people not being informed, or people being under stress, but tonight, it got to me.
     I forced myself to go to the store this evening because I wanted a treat, (I'm sick, I'm indulging myself) where I listened to a couple argue in the parking lot about whether or not their daughter, who looked to be about 3 or 4 years old, washed her hands before she ate dinner this evening. (Does it really matter?? She probably ate dirt for lunch.) I also watched another young kid probably like 9 or 10 complain to his mom that he didn't get enough for Christmas, so she just HAD to buy him some video game. She forcefully grabbed his arm and yelled at him to "knock it off in public."
        But here's the real reason for my lamentation, as I was waiting in the self check out line, because I am sick and I would rather avoid dealing with people, soon as a stand became available, I made my way to it, only to have a young guy, about my age walk right in front of me and start scanning his items. Now, I may look homeless with my jeans tucked into my ugly snow boots, a hoodie and my hair on top of my head, but that doesnt make this guy any more entitled to that check stand before me.
      Normally, I wouldn't let it bother me, I would rather just let it go than say something, because realistically I would have waited maybe another 30 seconds and another stand would be open, but my patience wears thin when I am sick, and it was about the principle that he butted-in front of not only me, but 3 other people in line.
     Without hiding any annoyance, I said, "Excuse me? I was just about to use that." This guy's first reaction was to just ignore me. That didn't sit well at all and fueled the fire. So I walked up to him and I said, "You completely just stole that from me. Did you not see me walking towards it? Not to mention, the line back there?" I sounded like a tough smoker because my voice is scratchy, but it had no affect on him, he just shrugged and said, "There's another one open over there." and pointed to a vacant one, which no one in line had made their way to because they were either enjoying the spectacle of me confronting the jerk, or they were worried I would turn on them if they made an attempt. At this point I realized the futility of trying to reason or get an apology from this guy, so I resorted to what's easiest... Insults. "Have a nice time being an ass." Thinking back on it, I should have coughed on him.
     Anyway, I went to the open stand, checked out my items, and glared at the guy as he left. The whole time I was thinking, where has the Christmas spirit gone we all had not 2 days ago?? Why do people have to be so mean? Why can't we all just be a little more patient with each other? Why can't we be more like dogs? Yes, that is a real question that goes through my head sometimes.
      But Hannah, you can't always compare everything in life to dogs, you might be saying to yourself. My first response is, why not? My second response is, try and stop me. My third response is, get over yourself, dogs are cool. So I will continue, take dogs for example, I have never met a species more capable of unconditional love.
     I house sit for everyone and their dog, literally. Most of my calendar consists of housesitting jobs where I watch someone else's house and animals, usually dogs, while they are away. Now I find it interesting that each and every dog treats me the same in their home. Here I am, a stranger in this dog's home, their owner isn't around to set the standard on how to treat me, they have to assess that much for themselves and judge me completely on their own. So here I am, a stranger in their home or "pack" or however you want to look at it and yet dogs look past that I am overweight, they look past the fact that I say some obnoxious things, they look past me laughing at my own jokes, they don't care that I am female, white, or a Latter Day Saint. All they care about is that I am a decent person (or I like to think so) and I treat them well. Well, and that I give them food. Dogs love food. Yeah, I am different from what they are used to, I say some weird things, I'm not the "norm", but they love me anyway and still act incredibly happy to see me and treat me nicely, even if I am different.
     I know that dogs aren't perfect, but I would like to think they are a lot closer than we are. So as I sit here cuddled next to a large hairy malamute on a Friday night and question why people suck so badly, I am brought back to the man in the check out line, yeah it was a jackass thing for him to do, but I was just as bad for being mean to him. I just want to live in a world where we can all love and accept each other even if we think, feel, or love differently than us. Sorry for the half hearted wrap up, but I feel as though I am rambling now and I'm getting emotional so I am going to end this now and go to sleep.

Sunday, June 9, 2013


I wrote this post for a blog my three writer friends and I started for beginning authors. You can find more at

You know, I've had all week to work on this, you would assume that I would have thought it less poignant to write this before now. But, I am getting ahead of myself. Recently I visited my sister and her family down in Arizona and she had me listen to the first couple chapters of a book/author who I instantly admired. The author's name is Jon Acuff and his book is, "Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job". Within the first chapter, Jon is able to make any dreamer feel as though their dream is well within grasp, but he also brings you plummeting back toward earth making you realize that truly achieving your dream, means hard work, focus, and sacrifice. He brings to life that quitting your day job, which chances are, you aren't that happy with, isn't going to get you anywhere near your dream job. You need the day job, to fuel the dream job. 

I have put off writing my novel, or just writing in general, for a number of different reasons. Currently, I am sure I could list of every single one of them and tell you exactly why each one is so applicable to why I haven't written in months. They are rock solid excuses, no getting around a one. So I think the reason I really latched on to this great idea so much is because currently, there are a lot of things I really love about my day job, but it also has a lot of restrictions. I find myself day dreaming of quitting my job and working full time to finally achieve finishing my novel. Usually this day dream lasts a total of 10 seconds, because then I instantly let monthly bills flash through my head; knowing that quitting isn't the answer. What usually happens is the opposite. I let my day job dictate how much time I put into my dream job. I get home from my day job and I am tired or I have social functions to attend, because not only do I have to support myself, I have to get out there so I can hopefully find my prince charming that will sweep me off my feet and take care of me so I don't have to work a regular job like everyone else. Then... I can have all the time in the WORLD to write! .... I've started day dreaming again. Back to business. I let excuses get in the way of my dreams. Basically that is what I am trying to say. I let every little tiny excuse get in the way of something that I really, really want. And why? Because, I'm scared it isn't going to be worth anything? Because, I am scared of getting rejected? Because, I'm worried no one is going to like it? 

So what. If its something I really, really want. I will force myself through the tiredness, I will skip the social functions, I will push past the questions and doubt and I will push harder than I ever felt possible, because thats what you do when you want to make a dream a reality. 

Or... so thats what I got from what Mr. Acuff was trying to say... 

Monday, August 27, 2012

I don't run away from my problems... I just give them plenty of space.

I ran away this weekend and it felt great. Was it the right thing to do? Eh... initially, probably not. Now that I am on the other side of it. It was exactly what I needed.
Now, I am not an advocate for running away from your problems. It doesn't matter how far you run, they will always be there. No matter what. But, sometimes giving yourself space is the better thing to do. 
Things had been piling up for me over the last couple months. I was feeling as if every aspect in my life was a little out of my control and I had no way to reign it back in. I moved back into my parents basement; I was juggling feelings for a couple guys; I had a rift with a family member that I had no idea how to mend; work responsibilities were piling up; looming responsibilities were threatening to break me and I was having trouble managing my time. Not to mention, there was always the ever present internal pressure from myself to be able to accomplish it all. (Unrealistic, I know, but we all do it.)
Through a casual conversation with a friend they invited me to come visit them. Here was my big break and I jumped on it. I cleared my schedule and made plans to run away. 
They live in Henderson Nevada and so we went into Las Vegas on Saturday to just "see the sites", gamble a couple bucks, eat some good food, and see a show (Le Reve, go see it, it is incredible!).  Now, if you have been to the strip, I don't really need to go into much detail. This place never changes. Every time I leave there, I am always thankful for showers. I found myself admiring some of the architecture of the buildings and the beauty of some of the places, but then I turn around and the Latino in the fluorescent colored shirt is trying to hand me a card of a naked lady. 
I was with great, positive friends and my overall experience was good which was a great balance to the sadness that overwhelmed me while I was there. So what was it about Vegas that changed my perspective on the things going on in my life... I contemplated that on the 6ish hour drive back to Utah. 
Perspective. I needed a change in perspective. My life isn't so bad. Actually, quite the opposite. I have an incredible life. Some of the people I witnessed just made my heart ache. I could tell that they had lived a hard life. I wanted to help them so bad, but I couldn't, because there was nothing I could do for them. Yeah, maybe I could toss them a couple bucks, but would that REALLY change anything?
Ultimately, they are responsible for what they do with their lives and how they live it... and this is the thought that struck me so deeply and changed my perspective. That exact same rule applies to me. I am responsible for what I do with my life, the choices I make, how happy I am, who I choose to spend my time with, what I let upset me, what I let make me happy... My life is my responsibility and I am going to choose to end up happy. 
So I am home now and my problems are still in full force and knocking at my door, but at least now I have a better perspective on what I want in the long run and how I am going to approach each one of them. Bring it on. :) 

Monday, May 14, 2012

My diagnosis...

Its official, I have been diagnosed… with… Frienditis. (I know, that was a dirty trick. You can hit me later if you want.) What is this odd sounding condition? Let me tell you. Now you all know what a friend is, and if you don’t… well, I am sorry. Get off your computer and go meet someone new or watch Toy Story. I think the majority of you reading this know what –itis means, but for any of you who have never watched a TV medical drama in your life, adding the term –itis to a noun refers to inflammation, in excess, tendencies, obsessions, etc.

You might be thinking, “Frienditis, that just sounds like you are saying you have an inflammation of friends, that doesn’t sound like such a bad thing, quit complaining.” Let me explain why it is an epidemic that seems to be affecting not only myself, but also many young single adults today. Friendliness is a good thing, but as with anything, when used in excess, especially when dating is concerned, it can cause problems. Let me give you a few brief examples of symptoms/situations you might find yourself in and you can determine whether or not you also suffer from it.

Emotional Masochism – You continue to be friends with a guy/girl who clearly said no to a relationship with you. Yet they publicly complain on facebook about not having a boy/girlfriend, when that was clearly something you may have wanted with them. (Some people may refer to this symptom as simply, “idiocy”.)

Mistaken Interest – You are a nice person and enjoy conversing with other people. Sometimes, that “weirdie” member of the opposite sex you extended conversation to, automatically interprets your friendliness as a sign of interest.

Eternal Friendship – There is that certain friend that you have always felt something more for, but you never bring anything up because you “don’t want to ruin the friendship”. So, you continue to have a great friendship, but constantly wonder… what if?

Dating Phobia – Just the idea of a date sends chills down your spine. Its not that you are socially retarded (maybe you are) but just the pressure of an actual date sends you into a sweaty panic. When said “date” occurs, you end up stumbling over your words, talking too loudly, making stupid jokes, etc. So to spare humiliating yourself further, you just avoid dates and opt to “hang out” instead.

Commitment Avoidance –You love meeting new people, you love the idea of “the chase”, but when your target has been caught and starts to reciprocate your charms, you start to get uneasy, because you never really took into consideration that they may actually want something with you too. Now what? You run away. Or just say, “You are nice, but lets just be friends.”

The-One – It is my personal belief that the majority of these people live in denial. So I wont refer directly to them as I have in the other examples. These Frienditis sufferers have an elusive, perfect “One” that they have built in their minds eye, and they are waiting for that “One” to magically appear. They don’t even realize it, but every date they go on, they find some reason to not pursue them if they weren’t absolutely ideal or “the One”. Usually their excuses center around trivial things like, “She played with her hair too much.” or “He TiVos the Jersey Shore.” They take into account only minor annoyances, without looking at the big picture or the person as a whole. If they don’t have a trivial annoyance loaded to use, the default excuse is, “There just wasn’t any chemistry.” Anyone who is not “The One” is put directly into the friend zone. 

Now (not that I am an expert by ANY means), I have a few words for each of these fellow sufferers. Also, I reserve the right to make up any words I want. Because this is America.

Emotional Masochists – Get rid of them. I am sure they are a great person, you fell for them, but fact remains, they didn’t want anything more with you. So don’t waste your time building a “friendship” when we all know sooner or later they will be posting about how in love they are and their relationship status will change from “single” to “engaged” within like a month or two. If they don’t want to make an effort to be in your life, then don’t waste your time and energy providing space for them.

Mistaken Interesters – This one is tough, because you can’t help that your friendliness was interpreted as actual interest. My recommendation is, don’t feed into it. If you are genuinely not interested, be clear about it and don’t say yes to a date or hang out, just because you feel bad for them or feel bad saying no. How much worse will it be when you have to avoid their phone calls/texts/them in public?

Eternal Friendshippers – Freaking just say something to them. I wouldn’t recommend spilling your undying love to them, that will most undoubtedly be awkward and end badly for you. But, just talk it out with them. A few things could happen…
1) They also have similar feelings, but were unsure of how you felt.
a) You try it out, and it is just too awkward so you go back to being friends.
b) You try it out, things are great, but then they end badly and you lose a friend.
c) You try it out, things work out for the best and you live happily ever after.

2) They do not have those similar feelings for you. Okay then, maybe you are a little heartbroken, but chances are you can still keep your friendship if you don’t go crazy on them.

My logic behind this is, you try it and you take your chances of losing that friend, because who knows if it could be really awesome. Reality is, if you don’t say anything and keep wondering “what if” sooner or later that person is going to find someone else and your friendship wont be the same. No matter what. It might still be good, but it will never be the same and you will continue to be plagued with “what if”.

Dating Phobes – It’s okay, just take it slow, be yourself. You are psyching yourself out and thinking way too much and way too far ahead. Do an activity you are comfortable doing, who knows; maybe they will enjoy it too. The chances of you actually marrying this person are pretty slim, so just relax, be yourself, and have fun. If you don’t, well, then you might hear about your date on the radio, with your date talking about their “most awkward date” and you as the subject. Eh, sorry ‘bout that.

Commitment Avoiders – Ah yes, the only thing I have to say to you is, just try it out. Work at it. If you really like them, put forth some effort. Yeah, maybe you have been hurt in the past. Yeah, maybe you are scared of things not working out. If you never try though, then how are you ever going to know what is beyond all the fun and games of carefreeness (I told you I was going to make up my own words. Deal with it.) I would bet that if they have similar feelings for you, then they would be willing to work with your “crazy”. Because lets not deny it, we all have our own “crazy”. If anyone claims that they don’t… run. Run far away. They are usually the craziest of them all. Consider yourself warned. 

The One-ders (Thirty points to anyone who can guess this reference) – You have preferences in a partner, I get it. But are you seriously going to let those trivial things get in the way of getting to know someone potentially incredible? Okay, maybe there isn’t any chemistry, but did you really try? Or did you just look for the first offsetting thing and disregard all the other good qualities? Last time I took chemistry… I hated it, for the record…you needed to add one colored potion to the other colored potion to actually get a reaction. No matter how much I tried to get away with just setting the triangular flasks next to one another, I never could get an “A” in the class… I could turn that into a dirty joke if I wanted. I always balk at the excuse of no chemistry, because it is usually given after a first date… well no duh, it’s a first date, you are both usually awkward and stupid as it is. (Or maybe only my first dates are like that, oh well.) Anyway, if there genuinely is no chemistry, then fine, move on. Just make sure you are putting forth some effort. It is my personal belief that there is no such thing as an elusive “one”. If you put yourself out there a little, you may find that there are a few that you could find happiness with.

Who am I to be giving any advice? I am still single. Truth is, at one point or another, some more often than others, I have suffered/currently suffer from one of these symptoms. And I am very confident that I am not the only one. Dating sucks sometimes. Its scary and what it really boils down to is you are putting yourself out there to be judged (no wonder they called it ‘court’ship back in the day… Ba-doom-cha! I also make up my own jokes and laugh at them, hence, why I am still single). That is why the idea and act of being friends is so much easier; its means less pressure, less commitment, less judgment. I guess you just have to be strong enough and have enough confidence in yourself to say, “Who cares if they don’t like me for who I am. I am awesome and I deserve someone who wants to be with me.”

One day, I hope for myself, and all other sufferers of Frienditis, that we can find a cure, whether it be through changing ourselves, or finding someone who can stick around long enough to get past our illness.

Bracelets coming soon. 

Also, go check out my friend Colton's blog, it is pretty great with lots of funny stories! (Where this post will also be featured soon) 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Haters... What are they good for?

You guessed it, absolutely nothin. I realize my last post was a little angst ridden and bitter and after some self reflection, I realize, really, my situation isn't that bad. So I move on now with a more uplifting topic of the wide variety of Haters.
Now I know there are some things that just drive me crazy and I can't stand like... The Bachelor, Gretchen Wilson, and people who drive slow in the fast lane, but it doesn't matter how much I dislike them, I would never go to say, a Gretchen Wilson Fan Forum just to throw rude comments around or make fun of people who like her. Thats not my style. Rather I write about how much I hate them in blog form. 
What I am trying to get at here is why is it that some people feel the need to be so hateful against one subject that they make it their mission to tell as many people or shove on as many forums as they can just how ridiculous "said" subject is? I don't get it. I get hating things. But why be so antagonistic? 
Specifically I see this come out around election time because so many people think that there is only one right person who has THE right answer and so any one who thinks differently or is choosing a different candidate is ignorant and stupid. I just don't get it. And I don't know if there is a solid answer. 
(Yes, the picture is a little dramatic, but it gets the point across.)
Its as complex as politics and human emotions, its as simple as preferences in soda and what kind of movies you like to watch. We saw it with the Civil Rights movement, we see it now with Gay Rights. I see it on facebook, I see it on blogs, I see it on the news. People who instigate this hatred, only breed more of it. Think about it, if someone comes at you with a condescending remark about something you love, or even like for that matter, you instantly get defensive, which immediately takes both parties off an even discussion board. Neither of you will be able to tell the other which is the right or wrong answer, because you both think you have the right answer. 
I really don't have much of a point with this post, just more of a hope that even though we all love different things, can't we all just get along? And maybe, just maybe, that person who sees something else as important or of worth, is just a cool as us, they just choose to like something different. 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Is it too much to ask?

Here I am at the end of another saturday night. I went to a movie with some friends, laughed a ton, completely enjoyed myself and came home smiling. By most standards that would account for an exceptional evening right? Then why am I sitting here blogging with a bunch of questions and complaints running through my head.
Now to up the stakes here, I was the only female in the bunch with 3 other single guys(all eligible and attractive). Most women's dream night, because that means you are the center of attention, you get to regulate all the flirting, but that is not the case for me. And I am in no way trying to brag when I say that this arrangement (me hanging with a group of guys) is not uncommon. Its who I am. For whatever reason, I am pretty good at being the guys' best friend. Not to be confused with the Dog, who is Man's best friend. Though, I would not necessarily view that as a bad thing, in the right context. On with the point of the blog post...
Maybe its my sometimes dirty humor, maybe its my go-with-the-flow personality, or maybe its that I am not a drop dead gorgeous woman who makes guys uncomfortable. But for whatever reason, I find that I can establish great relationships with guys... as friends. Anything past that and I am completely lost.
I was recently told by a guy I had spent a year (that's a freakin marathon for me) getting to know, that he couldn't handle a long distance relationship so we had to end it. Most girls would cry and think, "What else could I have done to make it work?" or "Why doesn't he like me?" and all I can think is, "How can he not want something with me?" I may have a bit of an ego problem, but I will have to analyze that later. As much as I would have liked for it to work out with him, it still comes around to the fact that I can't find a man who likes me enough to be more than my friend. I KNOW I am not perfect, I am completely flawed, but I know I have some amazing qualities and I haven't found the right guy to share them with.
Is it too much to ask for a man who wants to take me out and treat me like a lady? Not tell a dirty or off color joke with the knowledge that there is a 90%, okay, 95% chance that I will laugh.
I don't think it is. But sadly, the men that are attracted to me are usually too shy to say anything, and my loud, boisterous personality may scare them away. And almost 100% of the time I interpret their shyness as not being interested.
There is this grown up woman inside of me that wants to come out, but I keep finding guys that are either too quiet to do anything, or they match my personality and we get along great, but there is not enough there to pursue any type of serious relationship. I guess that is the point of dating: date, move on, date, move on... until you find that person... Duh, Hannah.
Now some of you might be thinking, "Well Hannah, maybe if you didn't put yourself out there so much." Thats like telling... Barney Stinson to not be awesome. (See I told you, a little obsessed with the show.) or for those who don't know the reference, telling birds not to fly or fish not to swim. Its who they are and they can't change that.
I refuse to believe that I have to change who I am to get someone to love me. Not that I am excluding the constant changes we all must make in life to better ourselves. I whole-heartedly believe in those changes, I am more-so meaning changing my personality to better fit the social standards in order to get a guy to think I am relationship-worthy.
Well anyway, I think I am done ranting now. I don't want to give the impression that my guy friends mean nothing or that I don't value their friendships, I do, immensely. I think that is the point of my blog tonight, its just I have reached a point in my life where the friendships just aren't enough anymore. *Sigh* I need some chocolate.