Monday, August 27, 2012

I don't run away from my problems... I just give them plenty of space.

I ran away this weekend and it felt great. Was it the right thing to do? Eh... initially, probably not. Now that I am on the other side of it. It was exactly what I needed.
Now, I am not an advocate for running away from your problems. It doesn't matter how far you run, they will always be there. No matter what. But, sometimes giving yourself space is the better thing to do. 
Things had been piling up for me over the last couple months. I was feeling as if every aspect in my life was a little out of my control and I had no way to reign it back in. I moved back into my parents basement; I was juggling feelings for a couple guys; I had a rift with a family member that I had no idea how to mend; work responsibilities were piling up; looming responsibilities were threatening to break me and I was having trouble managing my time. Not to mention, there was always the ever present internal pressure from myself to be able to accomplish it all. (Unrealistic, I know, but we all do it.)
Through a casual conversation with a friend they invited me to come visit them. Here was my big break and I jumped on it. I cleared my schedule and made plans to run away. 
They live in Henderson Nevada and so we went into Las Vegas on Saturday to just "see the sites", gamble a couple bucks, eat some good food, and see a show (Le Reve, go see it, it is incredible!).  Now, if you have been to the strip, I don't really need to go into much detail. This place never changes. Every time I leave there, I am always thankful for showers. I found myself admiring some of the architecture of the buildings and the beauty of some of the places, but then I turn around and the Latino in the fluorescent colored shirt is trying to hand me a card of a naked lady. 
I was with great, positive friends and my overall experience was good which was a great balance to the sadness that overwhelmed me while I was there. So what was it about Vegas that changed my perspective on the things going on in my life... I contemplated that on the 6ish hour drive back to Utah. 
Perspective. I needed a change in perspective. My life isn't so bad. Actually, quite the opposite. I have an incredible life. Some of the people I witnessed just made my heart ache. I could tell that they had lived a hard life. I wanted to help them so bad, but I couldn't, because there was nothing I could do for them. Yeah, maybe I could toss them a couple bucks, but would that REALLY change anything?
Ultimately, they are responsible for what they do with their lives and how they live it... and this is the thought that struck me so deeply and changed my perspective. That exact same rule applies to me. I am responsible for what I do with my life, the choices I make, how happy I am, who I choose to spend my time with, what I let upset me, what I let make me happy... My life is my responsibility and I am going to choose to end up happy. 
So I am home now and my problems are still in full force and knocking at my door, but at least now I have a better perspective on what I want in the long run and how I am going to approach each one of them. Bring it on. :) 

Monday, May 14, 2012

My diagnosis...

Its official, I have been diagnosed… with… Frienditis. (I know, that was a dirty trick. You can hit me later if you want.) What is this odd sounding condition? Let me tell you. Now you all know what a friend is, and if you don’t… well, I am sorry. Get off your computer and go meet someone new or watch Toy Story. I think the majority of you reading this know what –itis means, but for any of you who have never watched a TV medical drama in your life, adding the term –itis to a noun refers to inflammation, in excess, tendencies, obsessions, etc.

You might be thinking, “Frienditis, that just sounds like you are saying you have an inflammation of friends, that doesn’t sound like such a bad thing, quit complaining.” Let me explain why it is an epidemic that seems to be affecting not only myself, but also many young single adults today. Friendliness is a good thing, but as with anything, when used in excess, especially when dating is concerned, it can cause problems. Let me give you a few brief examples of symptoms/situations you might find yourself in and you can determine whether or not you also suffer from it.

Emotional Masochism – You continue to be friends with a guy/girl who clearly said no to a relationship with you. Yet they publicly complain on facebook about not having a boy/girlfriend, when that was clearly something you may have wanted with them. (Some people may refer to this symptom as simply, “idiocy”.)

Mistaken Interest – You are a nice person and enjoy conversing with other people. Sometimes, that “weirdie” member of the opposite sex you extended conversation to, automatically interprets your friendliness as a sign of interest.

Eternal Friendship – There is that certain friend that you have always felt something more for, but you never bring anything up because you “don’t want to ruin the friendship”. So, you continue to have a great friendship, but constantly wonder… what if?

Dating Phobia – Just the idea of a date sends chills down your spine. Its not that you are socially retarded (maybe you are) but just the pressure of an actual date sends you into a sweaty panic. When said “date” occurs, you end up stumbling over your words, talking too loudly, making stupid jokes, etc. So to spare humiliating yourself further, you just avoid dates and opt to “hang out” instead.

Commitment Avoidance –You love meeting new people, you love the idea of “the chase”, but when your target has been caught and starts to reciprocate your charms, you start to get uneasy, because you never really took into consideration that they may actually want something with you too. Now what? You run away. Or just say, “You are nice, but lets just be friends.”

The-One – It is my personal belief that the majority of these people live in denial. So I wont refer directly to them as I have in the other examples. These Frienditis sufferers have an elusive, perfect “One” that they have built in their minds eye, and they are waiting for that “One” to magically appear. They don’t even realize it, but every date they go on, they find some reason to not pursue them if they weren’t absolutely ideal or “the One”. Usually their excuses center around trivial things like, “She played with her hair too much.” or “He TiVos the Jersey Shore.” They take into account only minor annoyances, without looking at the big picture or the person as a whole. If they don’t have a trivial annoyance loaded to use, the default excuse is, “There just wasn’t any chemistry.” Anyone who is not “The One” is put directly into the friend zone. 

Now (not that I am an expert by ANY means), I have a few words for each of these fellow sufferers. Also, I reserve the right to make up any words I want. Because this is America.

Emotional Masochists – Get rid of them. I am sure they are a great person, you fell for them, but fact remains, they didn’t want anything more with you. So don’t waste your time building a “friendship” when we all know sooner or later they will be posting about how in love they are and their relationship status will change from “single” to “engaged” within like a month or two. If they don’t want to make an effort to be in your life, then don’t waste your time and energy providing space for them.

Mistaken Interesters – This one is tough, because you can’t help that your friendliness was interpreted as actual interest. My recommendation is, don’t feed into it. If you are genuinely not interested, be clear about it and don’t say yes to a date or hang out, just because you feel bad for them or feel bad saying no. How much worse will it be when you have to avoid their phone calls/texts/them in public?

Eternal Friendshippers – Freaking just say something to them. I wouldn’t recommend spilling your undying love to them, that will most undoubtedly be awkward and end badly for you. But, just talk it out with them. A few things could happen…
1) They also have similar feelings, but were unsure of how you felt.
a) You try it out, and it is just too awkward so you go back to being friends.
b) You try it out, things are great, but then they end badly and you lose a friend.
c) You try it out, things work out for the best and you live happily ever after.

2) They do not have those similar feelings for you. Okay then, maybe you are a little heartbroken, but chances are you can still keep your friendship if you don’t go crazy on them.

My logic behind this is, you try it and you take your chances of losing that friend, because who knows if it could be really awesome. Reality is, if you don’t say anything and keep wondering “what if” sooner or later that person is going to find someone else and your friendship wont be the same. No matter what. It might still be good, but it will never be the same and you will continue to be plagued with “what if”.

Dating Phobes – It’s okay, just take it slow, be yourself. You are psyching yourself out and thinking way too much and way too far ahead. Do an activity you are comfortable doing, who knows; maybe they will enjoy it too. The chances of you actually marrying this person are pretty slim, so just relax, be yourself, and have fun. If you don’t, well, then you might hear about your date on the radio, with your date talking about their “most awkward date” and you as the subject. Eh, sorry ‘bout that.

Commitment Avoiders – Ah yes, the only thing I have to say to you is, just try it out. Work at it. If you really like them, put forth some effort. Yeah, maybe you have been hurt in the past. Yeah, maybe you are scared of things not working out. If you never try though, then how are you ever going to know what is beyond all the fun and games of carefreeness (I told you I was going to make up my own words. Deal with it.) I would bet that if they have similar feelings for you, then they would be willing to work with your “crazy”. Because lets not deny it, we all have our own “crazy”. If anyone claims that they don’t… run. Run far away. They are usually the craziest of them all. Consider yourself warned. 

The One-ders (Thirty points to anyone who can guess this reference) – You have preferences in a partner, I get it. But are you seriously going to let those trivial things get in the way of getting to know someone potentially incredible? Okay, maybe there isn’t any chemistry, but did you really try? Or did you just look for the first offsetting thing and disregard all the other good qualities? Last time I took chemistry… I hated it, for the record…you needed to add one colored potion to the other colored potion to actually get a reaction. No matter how much I tried to get away with just setting the triangular flasks next to one another, I never could get an “A” in the class… I could turn that into a dirty joke if I wanted. I always balk at the excuse of no chemistry, because it is usually given after a first date… well no duh, it’s a first date, you are both usually awkward and stupid as it is. (Or maybe only my first dates are like that, oh well.) Anyway, if there genuinely is no chemistry, then fine, move on. Just make sure you are putting forth some effort. It is my personal belief that there is no such thing as an elusive “one”. If you put yourself out there a little, you may find that there are a few that you could find happiness with.

Who am I to be giving any advice? I am still single. Truth is, at one point or another, some more often than others, I have suffered/currently suffer from one of these symptoms. And I am very confident that I am not the only one. Dating sucks sometimes. Its scary and what it really boils down to is you are putting yourself out there to be judged (no wonder they called it ‘court’ship back in the day… Ba-doom-cha! I also make up my own jokes and laugh at them, hence, why I am still single). That is why the idea and act of being friends is so much easier; its means less pressure, less commitment, less judgment. I guess you just have to be strong enough and have enough confidence in yourself to say, “Who cares if they don’t like me for who I am. I am awesome and I deserve someone who wants to be with me.”

One day, I hope for myself, and all other sufferers of Frienditis, that we can find a cure, whether it be through changing ourselves, or finding someone who can stick around long enough to get past our illness.

Bracelets coming soon. 

Also, go check out my friend Colton's blog, it is pretty great with lots of funny stories! (Where this post will also be featured soon) 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Haters... What are they good for?

You guessed it, absolutely nothin. I realize my last post was a little angst ridden and bitter and after some self reflection, I realize, really, my situation isn't that bad. So I move on now with a more uplifting topic of the wide variety of Haters.
Now I know there are some things that just drive me crazy and I can't stand like... The Bachelor, Gretchen Wilson, and people who drive slow in the fast lane, but it doesn't matter how much I dislike them, I would never go to say, a Gretchen Wilson Fan Forum just to throw rude comments around or make fun of people who like her. Thats not my style. Rather I write about how much I hate them in blog form. 
What I am trying to get at here is why is it that some people feel the need to be so hateful against one subject that they make it their mission to tell as many people or shove on as many forums as they can just how ridiculous "said" subject is? I don't get it. I get hating things. But why be so antagonistic? 
Specifically I see this come out around election time because so many people think that there is only one right person who has THE right answer and so any one who thinks differently or is choosing a different candidate is ignorant and stupid. I just don't get it. And I don't know if there is a solid answer. 
(Yes, the picture is a little dramatic, but it gets the point across.)
Its as complex as politics and human emotions, its as simple as preferences in soda and what kind of movies you like to watch. We saw it with the Civil Rights movement, we see it now with Gay Rights. I see it on facebook, I see it on blogs, I see it on the news. People who instigate this hatred, only breed more of it. Think about it, if someone comes at you with a condescending remark about something you love, or even like for that matter, you instantly get defensive, which immediately takes both parties off an even discussion board. Neither of you will be able to tell the other which is the right or wrong answer, because you both think you have the right answer. 
I really don't have much of a point with this post, just more of a hope that even though we all love different things, can't we all just get along? And maybe, just maybe, that person who sees something else as important or of worth, is just a cool as us, they just choose to like something different. 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Is it too much to ask?

Here I am at the end of another saturday night. I went to a movie with some friends, laughed a ton, completely enjoyed myself and came home smiling. By most standards that would account for an exceptional evening right? Then why am I sitting here blogging with a bunch of questions and complaints running through my head.
Now to up the stakes here, I was the only female in the bunch with 3 other single guys(all eligible and attractive). Most women's dream night, because that means you are the center of attention, you get to regulate all the flirting, but that is not the case for me. And I am in no way trying to brag when I say that this arrangement (me hanging with a group of guys) is not uncommon. Its who I am. For whatever reason, I am pretty good at being the guys' best friend. Not to be confused with the Dog, who is Man's best friend. Though, I would not necessarily view that as a bad thing, in the right context. On with the point of the blog post...
Maybe its my sometimes dirty humor, maybe its my go-with-the-flow personality, or maybe its that I am not a drop dead gorgeous woman who makes guys uncomfortable. But for whatever reason, I find that I can establish great relationships with guys... as friends. Anything past that and I am completely lost.
I was recently told by a guy I had spent a year (that's a freakin marathon for me) getting to know, that he couldn't handle a long distance relationship so we had to end it. Most girls would cry and think, "What else could I have done to make it work?" or "Why doesn't he like me?" and all I can think is, "How can he not want something with me?" I may have a bit of an ego problem, but I will have to analyze that later. As much as I would have liked for it to work out with him, it still comes around to the fact that I can't find a man who likes me enough to be more than my friend. I KNOW I am not perfect, I am completely flawed, but I know I have some amazing qualities and I haven't found the right guy to share them with.
Is it too much to ask for a man who wants to take me out and treat me like a lady? Not tell a dirty or off color joke with the knowledge that there is a 90%, okay, 95% chance that I will laugh.
I don't think it is. But sadly, the men that are attracted to me are usually too shy to say anything, and my loud, boisterous personality may scare them away. And almost 100% of the time I interpret their shyness as not being interested.
There is this grown up woman inside of me that wants to come out, but I keep finding guys that are either too quiet to do anything, or they match my personality and we get along great, but there is not enough there to pursue any type of serious relationship. I guess that is the point of dating: date, move on, date, move on... until you find that person... Duh, Hannah.
Now some of you might be thinking, "Well Hannah, maybe if you didn't put yourself out there so much." Thats like telling... Barney Stinson to not be awesome. (See I told you, a little obsessed with the show.) or for those who don't know the reference, telling birds not to fly or fish not to swim. Its who they are and they can't change that.
I refuse to believe that I have to change who I am to get someone to love me. Not that I am excluding the constant changes we all must make in life to better ourselves. I whole-heartedly believe in those changes, I am more-so meaning changing my personality to better fit the social standards in order to get a guy to think I am relationship-worthy.
Well anyway, I think I am done ranting now. I don't want to give the impression that my guy friends mean nothing or that I don't value their friendships, I do, immensely. I think that is the point of my blog tonight, its just I have reached a point in my life where the friendships just aren't enough anymore. *Sigh* I need some chocolate.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Mayan Calendar said this is where it ends... lets live it up!

Its the new year! Time for people to blog about their reflections on the past year and commit to resolutions that will be broken in a few months (if they are lucky).

Which is precisely why I am not making any resolutions this year. Every year I set out with goals, hopes, and dreams to accomplish during the year. And RARELY are they met. Not that they are missed completely, usually a fraction or a good chunk of the goal is met. Maybe its my commitment issues, maybe its my lack of motivation, or maybe its just my ADD, I can't focus long enough and I find other things to fill my time. Either way, I always seem to find myself in the same place every January. Re-evaluating and contemplating what is to come. I'm not complaining by any means, I always enjoy my life. It brings so many twists and turns and new adventures and friendships. Its just, I seem to always be thinking, "Well, this is not where I planned to be a year ago." For better, or for worse.

So here is my 2011 in review since my blogging was somewhat below standard...

- Spent the first part of the year in Vegas with my friends Karin and John, saw Le Reve and LOVED it.
- Moved living arrangements 3 different times. (Reaffirmed my hatred for moving)
- Little brother Jar Jar came home from his mission.
- Tried the online dating thing... as much as I hated the idea... it actually wasn't so bad. I only had one extremely awful experience, the rest were "meh" and one was really hopeful, but not looking like anything will come of it... sadly.
- Played on 3 different softball teams between summer and fall. LOVED every minute of it. I missed playing a lot.
- Continued to be the coolest person I know. :)
- Became an aunt for the 5th time to my cute little niece.
- Bought a smart phone... I am now considered "cool" by the worlds standards. Not so good for my love/hate relationship with Spacebook (facebook). Now it is more accessible, for me to love/hate.
- Married off a dozen or so friends and little brother Jar Jar.
- Went on 2 rafting trips this summer. Within like a month of eachother... weird. Though they were incredibly fun.
- Fell in love with How I Met Your Mother. Not to mention about a dozen other TV series.
- Said goodbye to my dog Emily at the end of August. It was the hardest decision of my entire life so far, but I know it was for the best. My heart still aches for her sometimes.
- Added at least 20 new bands/artists to my music repertoire.
- Did plenty of dog sitting/house sitting. Which always makes me happy, I met some of the most wonderful people and their dogs.
- Attended 2 writers conferences... yet still... my novel has yet to be finished... I know... I'm slacking big time.
- Made some AMAZING and lasting friendships that I will always cherish.
- Spent more money on my little truck than I care to ever spend on it again. Also put probably a good 50,000 miles on her.
- Watched way too many youtube and internet clips and continue to love them.
- Quit caffeine (a month ago) and still going strong!
- I made a grown man cry... not intentionally.
- Cut my hair... twice? I think? But I am trying to grow it out really long again.

Now I am just rambling random bits... As always, every year I learn new things about myself and the world around me. Of course it had its ups and downs, but with each experience I became a better person. Looking back, I had a pretty darn good year and I wouldn't change that for anything. I think the reason I don't want to make any resolutions is because I think trying to be better person, or making changes to your life so you can be happier or healthier should be a continual thing. Not that resolutions are bad, I just think that the hype of New Years is over rated. Even though it IS the beginning of a new year, I want to continue to be as honest with myself as I am with others; I want to continue to meet amazing people and let them enrich my life for the better; I want to leave enough room in my life to allow change; I want to learn more about who I am and strengthen my testimony in the gospel; I want to, finally, finish my book.... wait a minute... these are starting to sound a lot like resolutions... OH well, guess I couldn't escape them. :) Anyway, I guess what I am really getting at is I am so grateful for all the family, friends, and experiences I have been blessed with, I only hope that I can continue to be so blessed (when really, I rarely feel like I deserve it). I also hope all the same for all of you... all three of you who read this... :) Here's to 2012 and hopefully a better year for blogging!
This pretty much sums up my life.... I couldn't help myself, I had to post it. :)